Listening to: Gotye
Reading: the back of-- ARE THOSE HEIROGLYPHICS!?
Watching: Young Justice
Playing: Birth by Sleep
Eating: Choco Taco
My life is falling apart and I don't know where else to put this right now. No one reads this journal. At least I think no one does. I'm not putting this up here to have a pity-party, I just want to get this out somehow and I don't know where else my words can go. Maybe I do want someone to read this.
Maybe I want to wake up tomorrow and have everything figured out for me. I know life doesn't work that way and that you have to fight for it to work out the way you want it to, but I'm so sick of fighting. I'm sick of struggling. I'm sick of gasping for air every second of my life. When does it get easier? When do we really start living?
I sit in my room and I watch everyone else around me grow into incredible people. Not me. I'm too afraid to even put myself out there, knowing that I will never be good enough for the industry I want to break in to. And my friends sit there and lie and tell me I'm great, but have any of them really even seen my work? I can truly say I produce nothing good. And yes, while I may be creative and I can draw, it's just not good enough. My efforts are too little too late. At this point, I don't even know why I bothered making the effort.
Sitting here now, in my room, in the dark, maybe this is all coming out of me because I failed a class. It mattered, for once, and I let myself down. And now I'm trapped. I don't have the money to retake it, and I'm not going to graduate with my peers if I don't take the class this summer. But even if I did graduate, I doubt my life would change in the slightest. I'll still be living at home, with parents who don't believe in me at all, with a sister who looks up to me but who I can't protect, with a brother who doesn't give a shit about anyone but himself.
I'm going to work in the same store for the rest of my life, and I will deal with the same shit I get from everyone forever. Nothing changes. My life doesn't change. Every year it is the same, and it will continue to be the same from this moment to the next to the next.
Oh, did I mention that I'm shooting a movie without a director of photography? Big shock there that he forgot about my movie. Did I mention that I don't even know what I'm doing with that? And I want to yell at him for leaving me in my time of need, but he's too happy and excited that he's going away that I can't even open my mouth. I can't even tell him that without him, I can't shoot this movie, and if I can't shoot the movie, I will fail yet again. Not that I even have a location. God, the world around me must sense the epic failure that I am and therefore won't work with me on anything.
But I guess that is my curse. I will continue to watch everyone around me get what they want and be happy, and I'll just sit here. And I'll continue to whine even though I know it does nothing. First world problems, everybody.
The only hope I have at this point, and it kills me to even think this way, is that maybe the man I marry will get rich somehow and be able to support me. Either that, or the joke I have (about living in a cardboard box with "Home" scrawled along the outside in blood) will really come true. Or I can possibly sit on the corner and draw people as shitty anime characters from one angle with the same hair-style every time. That seems to be my only strong point at this time.
I think I've let this go on long enough. I can already anticipate the reaction this is getting, if any. A very scant few of you will read this, and those of you that do will be worried about me, and maybe that's what I want. Maybe I want someone to worry about me because then they can actually see how broken I am. I don't know why anyone even sees anything good in me when I'm so obviously wretched. That's probably why my friends at school never invite me out or have an awesome time with me.
Either way, you won't have to worry about hearing this kind of shit from me again. I only really update this once every two years, and I've sort of fallen out of the whole deviantART craze as it is. Maybe that's for the best. I'll save the internet from more shitty art. That's probably the best I can do.